It’s Mother’s day on Sunday here in South Africa, and I know a lot of households are gearing up towards blessing their mom’s and buying or making gifts to make it happen. But mother’s day can be painful for some people and I always take a moment to think of those that find this day painful. Not to put a damper on the day, but to remind us to be sensitive with those around us who find this day tough.
My empathy runs deep.
Through my first marriage, and that was seven years, I used to find mother’s day quite annoying, not painful, but irritating. I couldn’t have kids with my first husband, and even though I’d made peace with it around our fifth year of marriage, it didn’t cease to annoy.
All the happy mom’s having their first mother’s days around me, young married couples, just like me, getting gifts and celebrating. Sure, I was happy for them, I’m not a bi-aatch, I can still enjoy the success and celebrations of another. But it stung just a little to not be able to participate fully in life and phases of life of those around me.
But then life moved on and I entered a new phase of life.
I will never be a mother.
I got divorced in spectacular fashion, and entered my single season, in which I went through much healing and restoration, many many hours of counseling and moving forward.
Part of that was accepting that I’d probably never have a family, or get married again, it was an interesting season. I spent a few years trying different vocations, finding myself (for lack of a better description) and grounding myself in who I wanted to be and started focusing on my photography career. It wasn’t long after that I met Morne.
I finally became a mother.
After our wedding we immediately started trying for a baby. We weren’t sure if it would be something we would enjoy as a couple, so we didn’t want to waste any time, also being over 30, we didn’t want to have kids too late.
I discovered I was pregnant 6 weeks after our wedding, it was glorious!! My very first pregnancy! We were beyond excited. His birth was nothing like we’d hoped and it we lost Asher, nine days after his very complicated birth.
We were devastated.
No more mother’s day for me. It was a broken and shattered place to live from. Asher was born on the 3rd April 2013, and ALL my friends were having babies that year, 8 new babies in total. It wasn’t challenging it was down right horrible. Mother’s day was only a month after we lost Asher and I was broken. I thought I’d never come out the other side of that deep grief. But God is good, and He kept speaking to my broken heart and I allowed him to do the work to heal me. It was a very emotional time for us.
We went on to have a miscarriage in the same year, and then decided to give pregnancy a break for a while and then surprise, surprise our Cal decided to come along!
He was perfect, and healthy, and screamed the theater down when he was born.
I know this is a snapshot of something that devestated our hearts, but God put us back together again, surrounded by a community of people who refused to let us go and a determination to not let it swallow us. It gives me great compassion for mother’s who have lost, at any stage, because losing a child, a baby or a pregnancy (no matter how far along) is devastating, and should be handled with care and compassion.
So to the mom’s who’ve lost, I am here for you, I am routing for your hearts to be repaired, I am praying for you, I am sending you love and all the comfort that you deserve. Know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, and you WILL make it through.
For more on my story of infant loss and how God redeemed it watch THIS VIDEO.